Hair today. Hair tomorrow.

Hair today. Hair tomorrow!

Hair man. Jesus christ my fucking hair. Everything is slowing down in me and on me. I mean bloody everything. The things I’ve done to my body over time….. I recently went to an acupuncturist for some relief. I filled out his form to say ‘this is me’ etc and ‘these are the bits that are wrong with me’. When I walked in the door and sat down for the first time, he actually said he had never seen anyone with a bodily rap sheet as long as this one. Back issues, calf problems, achilles issues, knee ops, hip issues, ankle issues, shoulder issues, adductor tears, abdominal surgery, hand issues with elbow issues and arthritis. And that’s not everything! Fuck me! 

He sort of asked if I  had done this all to myself or if I was just unlucky? How could I do this to myself? Well, actually, there has been some stupidity but mostly, I think I’d have to say, lady luck has pissed all over me, and not in the good way. My brother calls me the 6 million rupee man - I’m a bit like Steve Austin the 6 million dollar man, only I was put together on the cheap. Hence the breakages and issues I now have to contend with. All the bloody time. I can’t move without something creaking, cracking or going bang! Partly my fault. In the last couple of years I’ve gone right off exercise. I know I need it. I used to be all over it. The proverbial butcher's dog. And then some and we’ll get onto all that in due course but for now, just know I don’t do much. I have no enthusiasm for it and frankly, don’t want to use exercise like I did - to subconsciously beat myself by going faster, further, harder, longer, better and all kinds of other pointless competitive shit.

So, here we are, everything slowing down with age - I’m 54. Fifty fucking four! It’s not like I’m 94.What is going on? (Well, as we’ve just alluded to, with the number of injury sites I have, it makes movement somewhat challenging sometimes. Nothing moves without something else knowing about it). Frictionless, I am not. I know I need to do something to stave off the weight gain (I’m not fat, yet) and issues that I can lay down for myself in this particular age period but frankly, I have bigger fish to fry at the mo. I will get there, as will we all. I tell you what doesn't slow down though. What positively speeds up actually, as I move further into this middle aged man epoch is the growth of something I don’t need more of. HAIR. It’s fucking everywhere! Ears, eye brows, forehead. So, not quite everywhere but, it grows exponentially fast. I feel a bit like Evan Almighty some days. “I’m sure I got one of the many hair clipping or cutting devices out and dealt with that yesterday and now it’s back”!. Again! It’s like a battle. A war on hair. It will not give in. Well, fuck you, I’m not giving in either! Who needs hair in their ears? Your ears?! What purpose does that actually serve? Keep your ears warm? A boost to hearing as I get older so I can hear the fucking kids shouting and being twats all the better? If it is, I want my money back. I don’t need to know what idiots are doing 3 miles away. I don’t need to know what idiots are doing full stop.And there do seem to be a lot of idiots about these days…..

It’s not just hair. It’s hair related things. Nails. Made of the same stuff apparently. I probably used to cut my toe nails once every 3-4 weeks. Now, it’s weekly, almost. Is it sex related? I’m sure many of us used to have more sex when we were younger. Or at least more wanking. I suppose the effort of all that probably kept the hair growth in check. Now though, with the decline of libido and where once the sex life was rampant (define rampant?) hair now grows in its place. Nails, hair, both need a constant tending like the old chap used to. Maybe that’s a PhD right there. The link between sex and hair growth. I’m sure someone will put me straight on this. There’s always someone with a scientific knowing. But actually, what good will that do me? I’m not going to start taking another supplement to restrict hair growth. So, hair, enemy number one for the middle aged man. For this middle aged man anyway. A real pain in the ass. 1st world problems and all that shit but it does I suppose feed the market economy with purchases of ever more elaborate hair care tools and equipment. Maybe they’re putting something in the water………

More next time…………